Letting go of all-or-nothing thinking
Last week, I was thinking a lot about how I have approached my goals in the past, and how some recent shifts in my mindset have produced some enormous benefits. I’m a work in progress, but change begins with a realization of thoughts or behaviors that don’t serve us and then we have the opportunity and responsibility to take action.
Here is the quick back story. One of the things I have been working on during the past 6 months has been my physical fitness . For a few years leading up to this, I was healing from some pretty severe burnout and exhaustion, which required some deep work and lots of rest. Then last Fall, I started walking. I walked 280 km of the Camino de Santiago (which I was painfully undertrained for), in October and kept up the walking upon my return because the daily movement has benefitted so many areas of my life. So, in January, I set a 365 day challenge for myself; to either run or walk at least 1 mile per day, every single day of 2025. It started out great. I was disciplined and even with the snow in January, I was out there walking. I felt like it had become a habit that I looked forward to most days. I made it to day 52, then had a setback. I had 4 days of some of the worst flu symptoms I’ve ever had after weaning off of an antidepressant. My symptoms were unexpected and unplanned and there I was in bed losing my running/walking streak.
What happened next, is something a younger version of myself probably wouldn’t have done. When I felt well enough, I started walking again. Simple as that. I was excited to get back outside and to feel good again. I had missed some days of my challenge, but even more so, I missed this time alone in my own thoughts, listening to the birds, greeting friendly neighbors, and the way my body and mind felt afterwards. Why is this significant? Because before, I would have probably quit because I had FAILED my challenge. It was this all-or-nothing mindset that said either I do it perfectly and in a BIG way, or not at all.
Of course, there are many problems with this way of thinking and I’m going to highlight a few of my biggest takeaways below.
Our motivation or reason behind our goals is a key indicator for how likely we are to accomplish them. Understanding what is behind our goals gives us a lot of insight. We can be intrinsically (coming from within) or extrinsically (coming from external factors) motivated. Most of us need to be intrinsically motivated to have the stamina to keep going when it gets tough. Here are a few examples of each; which motivators resonate with you?
Praise or acceptance from others
Rewards or prizes
Competition or something to prove
Feelings of self-worth
Personal enrichment or feeling more joy
Creation of new (healthy) habits
Satisfaction of mastering a new skill
Goals without flexibility aren’t realistic. We don’t live in a bubble or controlled environment. Life happens and it is often very messy. I knew going into my 365 day challenge that there was a very good chance that during a period of an entire year, getting out every single day might not be totally realistic, but I wanted to try anyway. Perfectionism says, if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t try. This robs us of all of the potential positive experiences and lessons we could learn or gain along the way simply by trying. Self-compassion says, I’m enough, no matter the outcome.
Rest and pauses are an important part of life that provide inspiration and fuel for our best work. I wish I had learned this earlier in my life. Whether in building a business, caring for my family, or any of the personal and professional goals I have had. Leaning into the ebb and flow of life, heeding the call of different seasons and learning to let go of hustle and grind culture; at least for part of the time, provides the balance we need to push hard in bursts when we need to.
Goals should align with the season we’re in. Hard work is an important part of our personal development and even self-esteem. We were made to create, to grow, to share our gifts with our communities. Setting goals and sticking with them is part of our transformation and they should stretch us. But there is a difference between challenging us to be our best selves and setting us up to fail from the get-go. Goals change over time. My goals in my 40s are so much different than they were in my 20s. In my 20s I signed up for and ran a marathon with my prior longest run being only 13 miles. It hurt, but I pushed through it. If I were to try to do that today, I would surely end up with a serious injury and not reach the finish line.
Does any of this resonate with you? Maybe you started out the year with some goals; personal or professional, and you are either about to give up or already have. Can I make a suggestion? 1) Consider why you started in the first place. What is your reason or motivation? Does it feel aligned with who you are and where you are going? 2) If you are about to throw in the towel, or already have; does it make sense to pause and then pick up again in a day/week/month rather than a full stop? Can your goal be reworked a bit to make it fit the season you are in?
My 365 day challenge started as a running/walking challenge. After getting into it, I decided to change up my plan a little bit to include cycling and strength training. I realized that my ultimate goal of being a distance runner again will require that I strengthen some weak muscle groups before I can safely and successfully run long-distances. I didn’t think I would enjoy it, but as I see the results, I’m loving it.
Here is what I want to leave us with: goals are not less than because we change, adapt, pause or start over. The process we take and self-compassion are arguably just as important to the outcome as arriving at the finish line.
Cheers to all of our goals and the imperfect, zig-zagging paths that get us there.
xo Heather
